Bad pet owners make me feel stabby

I have to get on a soap box for a moment. Please keep scrolling if you don’t want to hear it. Pit bull owners, People are trying to ban your dog, based on the reputation the breed has gotten for being vicious. Knowing this, if you love your dog, you have a responsibility to be a responsible pet owner. That means thorough training. Having your dog spayed or neutered. Keeping your dog on a leash at all times in places that free run is not encouraged. It means doing your very best to be a good ambassador for the breed. 
I do not let my old, perfectly trained, 50 pound dog run loose, because I understand that some people may not know how to behave around a dog, and may do something that would cause my dog to attempt to protect himself. So why on earth do you think it is okay for your young, 75 pound pit, that has a habit of enjoying the game of knocking down the kids in the neighborhood and trying to show his dominance over them, to run free? From my window, just today, and just when I looked out randomly, I saw this dog: Jump the fence and bust open our back neighbors trash, as well as pull their back screen door off the hinges. I saw him chase two kids, who thank goodness made it into the house without him barrelling in. Like he did that time he was chasing my dog. I saw him knock over the basketball goal. and chew on the hoop. My dog has had to do the potty dance all day, because every time I tried to take Shadow out, Your dog came bounding up the stairs, to invite himself in. All of these times I saw him, one thing I never saw was you. You are letting this big, strong, untrained, un neutered, beast of a dog run loose with zero supervision. 
I can not begin to tell how furious this makes me. As a dog lover and a bully breed advocate, it makes me sick to know that I am watching what I am sure is a terrible tragedy in the making. It makes me sad to know there is NOTHING I can do to save that poor dog from what I am sure will be his inevitable journey as yet another strike against the breed. But Also know, that if something tragic DOES happen while I am around, I will tell everyone the truth. As soon as you get done telling the cameras that he was a good dog, well trained, you can’t believe this happened, blah blah blah., I will be right behind you, telling all of those same cameras that what you said is a lie. That the real culprit is YOU for refusing to be a responsible pet owner. I will shout from the roof how irresponsible you were, and how that poor dog never had a chance. And I will also be telling everyone who listens about how I have called the city shelter to know avail, and exhausted every single avenue I could think of, barring bringing him into my home and smuggling him away. And while it won’t help your dog, I will do my best to bring to light the responsibility of the pet owner in these situations.

I know how badly this is written. I will probably come back and edit it once I am not so freaking furious. I just needed to get it out before I went over and told my neighbor what a cuntastic douchenozzle I think he is. Because the dude fancies himself a thug, so I wouldn’t put it past him to do something harmful, cowardly, and expense causing against my family. 

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I hate my neighbors.

This is not a real entry. I just feel the need to say I wish I was still a young chikaboom, with big speakers.  Because I would totally put them face down to the floor, and pay these idiots back for all the crap music they force me to listen to.  They listen to their awful music so loud, that it rattles my windows.  Oh! To have large speakers, with tons of base.  I would blow them away with some Tupac, and Old school Dre.  Because their is nothing better to win a music battle than some old school gangsta rap.

 

Says the dumpy white girl.

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Well shoot.

I think I am going to become one of those crazy old people that claims they don’t go to the doctor, because the doctor always finds something wrong with them.  Yesterday I went to see my doctor, because of an ear ache.  I walked out with a order to have testes run for Lupus and RA.  What the fuck?  

It started innocently enough. He asked me why I was hobbling, and I told him that my body hurt, but that I was managing my pain fairly well. Then he asked a bunch of questions completely unrelated to my wounded ear. After a while he said, “Yeah, I do not think that is what you think it is. This sounds like it could be RA. Possibly Lupus. “

I am so freaking annoyed by this, that I can not think of a single funny thing to say right now.  I think this may be Douche bag Jesus’ way of getting back at me for spilling the beans about his bad attitude.

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This is why we can’t communicate effectively!!!

Talking to my husband, Ben, when he came home this evening.

Me: “So, I decided to try blogging.”

Ben: “is that some sort of water exercise?”

Me: “wha- Did you just-Are you being serious? You can’t be serious. Do you really not know what blogging is?”

Ben: “Sounds expensive.  Are you sure you want to be out in the sun that much? You know how nutty you are when it comes to staying transparently pasty.”

Me: “Hey now, that is uncalled for. And the term is alabaster, fool.  A blog is a place someone writes, on the internet. I started a blog to try writing on. So I am blogging.”

Ben: “So you started a diary? Well, if it helps you, but don’t you have half a dozen different journaling notebooks? You are going to start keeping a copy of your secrets online too?”

Me: “No. What? Huh? No. A blog is like an internet story book. You write it, and if you are lucky, people will read it and enjoy the stories you tell.”

Ben: Well, that is weird. You really should not let people read your diary.”

Me: “Um- I don’t think I am explaining this well. at all…”

Ben: “Oh, does this mean you are going to start making funny cat videos?  I love funny cat videos!”

And that was when I gave up, because I really just do not know how to make a guy who’s idea of great advancements is being able to watch GI Joe on his phone, understand what I was explaining, when I can not even program my watch.  And also I am mildly flattered that my husband has enough faith in me to suggest I am talented enough to make funny videos about cats. Silver linings, folks. Silver Linings.

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Jesus Story Time.

It doesn’t matter how many times I see this, or how totally offensive this might to be to some. I never fail to smile when I see it. Because the Jesus in my mind? Totally would have said this. He might have also told Judas to stop being such a jealous dick. But I guess that would have made the stories seem like Judas had an excuse for giving Jesus the shaft. Then people would be all, ” I don’t know. Sure, what Judas did was extreme, but how would you like it if the dude claiming to be the Savior of all was always like, “OMG! Shut up with your bitching! Stop being such a morose dick all the time, Judas! Seriously, I love everybody, but you are REALLY getting on my nerves.”
Yeah. Jesus would have been WAY less popular if that was in the bible. People would be all, “Jesus is a kind of a douchebag.”
No one likes Douchebag Jesus.

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This is not a test.

Because if it was, I would be screwed. I have totally failed, and I don’t even remember it happening.  Last thing I remember, I was a totally cool 21 year old. So how the hell did I wake up here, in my thirties, 50 pounds heavier, and barely able to work the television remote?  I have made it to this weird point in my life where people my age think I am weird, which is cool, because I am totally used to that. But now everyone else thinks I am weird too. So I spend a lot of time at home. Not wearing pants. Because pants remind me of my failure as ‘the next Paula Abdul”.  Although, I bet Paula and I share the same fondness for boxed wine and tacos.

In all reality, I have no clue what I will do with this little corner of the internet. I am not particularly funny, I have no real educated opinions that I wish to share with others, I don’t sell Tupperware, and I know better than to think anyone will be interested in my day to day life.So this will probably become a catch all spot for the things I wish I could say to people, without them looking at me like I need an anti-psychotic cocktail IV.

Enjoy!

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